Unofficial Rules of The Enterprise
by Dannrose
Summary: Unofficial rules that all crewmembers of The Enterprise must abide by.
1. The Rules

_**Authors Note:**_

_**Hello everyone this is my first foray into writing for this fandom and the first piece of writing I've done for a very long time. I'm pretty sure that this kind of fanfiction is not anything new but I don't think there is one like it in this fandom so apologies if someone has done one like this already. I've only seen the two most recent movies so everything is based on what I know from them and other connected media so if any fans find something wrong please let me know politely and I'll try and fix it.**_

_**As with everyone on this site I own none of the characters or other aspects of the Star Trek universe.**_

_**Enjoy and please review. (Hopefully you'll find this funny.)**_

Discreetly positioned in various places around the Enterprise was a very important list of unofficial rules that everyone was expected to know. Whenever new crew arrived they would always be pointed to the nearest copy and ordered to memorise it before performing any other task. Many did not do this vital step when coming on board the ship only to learn the error of their ways in very short order…if they didn't break a rule with severe consequences.

**Unofficial Rules of the Enterprise**

Rule 1

Do not assist Captain Kirk in trying to escape his medical.

_(Everyone agreed that breaking this rule was not worth the resulting hypo and lecture from Bones.)_

Rule 2

Do not badmouth or gossip about any of the Command Crew no matter what they do.

_(The methods of revenge they could concoct were very varied and inventive.)_

Rule 3

Do not call Doctor McCoy 'Bones'.

(_Only the Jim and Pavel got away with this one un-hypoed.)_

Rule 4

Do not call Mr Hendorff 'Cupcake'

_(The resulting bruises from his 'unarmed combat training' weren't worth it.) _

Rule 5

Bullying Ensign Chekov is a bad idea.

_(The Command Crew are very protective of their youngest member.)_

Rule 6

Puppy Dog eyes are not 'standard Starfleet negotiation techniques'.

_(Pavel still insists that they should be since they worked.)_

Rule 7

There is no illegal distillery in Engineering.

_(Everyone just ignored the strange alcohol smell from the contraption in a discreet corner.)_

Rule 8

Loop the loops with the shuttle are not permitted.

_(Hikaru said he was practicing 'evasive manoeuvres'.)_

Rule 9

Stop climbing through the Jefferies Tubes.

_(It was a good way to sneak up and surprise people.)_

Rule 10

Doctor McCoy and **only** Doctor McCoy can give the Captain medication.

_(One junior doctor ignored this and the resulting allergic reaction was not pretty. Neither was Bones' reaction when he found out.) _

Rule 11

Beaming a shark into the swimming pool is not funny.

_(It took the joint efforts of Jim, Nyota and Bones two hours to calm Pavel down when someone did this to him.)_

Rule 12

Neither is beaming in an alligator.

_(Pavel now refuses to go near the pool unless it has been scanned for non-sentient life first.)_

Rule 13

The goose is to be killed on sight!

_(A transporter malfunction resulted in a goose being beamed aboard. They have yet to catch the thing to end its reign of terror.)_

Rule 14

Will whoever hacked the replicator in the officer's recreation area please fix it.

_(It was firing high velocity marshmallows at random crew members.)_

Rule 15

The _Enterprise _is not to be used for aerial acrobatics.

_(A constitution class starship barrel-rolling over San Francisco was pretty impressive to see.)_

Rule 16

Disney's Bambi is banned from any crew film nights.

_(Pavel and Bones are inconsolable when Bambi's mother dies.)_

Rule 17

Do not get Ensign Chekov on a sugar high EVER!

_(The havoc he wreaked throughout the ship was incredible.)_

Rule 18

Stop playing the song 'Guy Love' when Commander Spock and Captain Kirk are speaking to each other.

_(They didn't find it funny the first time never mind the fifteenth.)_

Rule 19

Getting the whole crew to sing Queen's 'We Will Rock You' at Klingons who are demanding the complete surrender of the _Enterprise _is just plain stupid.

_(The look on the Klingons faces was worth it, the missiles not so much.)_

Rule 20

No Phaser Tag!

_(When caught Jim, Hikaru, Scotty and Pavel insisted it was 'vital combat training'...Spock didn't buy it.)_

Rule 21

Do not make rude comments about Doctor McCoy's homemade apple pie.

_(The last person who did this ended up wearing it as a hat, much to the annoyance of those looking forward to eating it.)_

Rule 22

No more experiments with time travel.

_(Having child Scotty, teen Scotty and adult Scotty on the ship at the same time was incredibly confusing and dangerous for everyone else.)_

Rule 23

Do not play the 'Imperial March' from Star Wars when Doctor McCoy comes onto the bridge.

_(Bones was most likely going to destroy the speaker system next time it happened.)_

Rule 24

Stop trying to give Ensign Chekov 'the talk'.

_(Several crewmembers have done this, much to the teen's embarrassment.)_

Rule 25

Do not touch Lieutenant Sulu's plants.

_(He has threatened people more than once with his fencing sword to protect his precious plants.) _

Rule 26

During emergencies do whatever the Command Crew say no matter how illogical, crazy, insane or stupid their orders may seem.

_(This became second nature within the first three weeks of being assigned to the Enterprise.) _

Rule 27

No more playing strip poker!

_(This one needed little explanation.)_

Rule 28

Do not make jokes about Russia when Ensign Chekov is present.

_(He was very proud of his homeland.)_

Rule 29

Same goes for Scotland and Mr Scott.

_(He was equally proud of his homeland.)_

Rule 30

'You Only Live Twice' is not a suitable theme song for Captain Kirk.

_(He really didn't see the funny side of this one and neither did anyone else.)_

Rule 31

Mr Scott is not allowed to cook.

_(When it was Scotty's turn for the home cooked meal night he managed to lay the entire Command Crew low with severe food poisoning for days.)_

Rule 32

Nor is he allowed within ten feet of any kitchen appliance.

_(People were certain appliances blew up when Scotty walked into the room.)_

Rule 33

Pranking is not a good way to fill time when bored.

_(Even Bones was disappointed when Spock added this rule.)_

Rule 34

Neither is singing songs from stage shows loudly on the bridge.

_(Jim said he was only trying to boost crew moral_ _but Spock still wouldn't relent.)_

Rule 35

Do not give in to Ensign Chekov's 'puppy eyes'.

_(No-one, including Spock, could keep to this rule when actually faced with Pavel's 'puppy eyes'.)_

Rule 36

Stop trying to build a 'TARDIS'.

_(Scotty and Pavel had been watching 'Doctor Who' recently.)_

Rule 37

Playing various love songs when Commander Spock and Lieutenant Uhura are eating together in the mess hall is foolish.

_(Nyota was scary when she was annoyed.)_

Rule 38

If you see any of the Command Crew carrying a sleeping Ensign Chekov to bed, you saw nothing.

_(Pavel sometimes overworked himself to exhaustion and either collapsed or had to be sedated so he would actually sleep.)_

Rule 39

If Ensign Chekov is being carried by anyone else report it to the Captain immediately!

_(Various jealous, corrupt and/or fake crewmembers had tried kidnapping Pavel to get at Jim and the rest of the Command Crew.)_

Rule 40

The Command Crew is one of the most dysfunctional families in the universe; anger them at your peril.

_(This one summed up most of the rules on the list.)_

_**PS-Hopefully you enjoyed this and if any one wants to use any of these rules to write a full story then PM me.**_


	2. Rule 1

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hello. Firstly thank you to everyone who reviewed and favourited this story. I wont name anyone cause I'm bound to miss someone out. Due to people asking in reviews I've decided to do short stories for some of the rules. Please note that I wont necessarily do all of them or in order but as I think of stories for them. I'm also leaving it marked as complete since I don't know if and when I'll update so don't be surprised if nothing happens for a long time. Again please let me know if some of my information is wrong or the characters are OOC and I'll try and fix it.**_

_**As usual I own nothing and please enjoy and review. **_

**Rule 1-Do not assist Captain Kirk in trying to escape his medical.**

Hikaru Sulu should have listened to his gut. He shouldn't have given in to his Captain and he should never have considered that trying to defy Doctor McCoy was a good idea.

Earlier, at the start of Hikaru's shift, a slightly panicked looking Jim Kirk rushed onto the bridge frantically looking around. This immediately worried Hikaru because the Captain only looked panicked when he had seriously upset Doctor McCoy which was bad news. When he spotted him Jim instantly headed towards Hikaru.

"You have to hide me _please_!" his Captain pleaded "Before Bones finds me for my medical."

This was when he should have said no, should have stood firm because seriously Jim Kirk should be mature enough to face his medical like a man. Unfortunately said captain was looking at him pleadingly, desperately and had jumped after him when he fell off the _Narada'_s drill. This all meant that he could only say "Ok. I'll give you a boost into one off the maintenance hatches in the ceiling of the bridge." Despite the warnings in his head Hikaru helped Jim into the hatch then closed it. He barely had time to settle back at his post before Doctor McCoy marched onto the bridge, armed with a hypo and looking ready to use it on anyone standing in his way.

"Mr Sulu." The doctor barked "Where the hell is Jim?"

Rapidly coming up with a response Hikaru hoped it was believable. "I'm sorry Doctor McCoy but the Captain hasn't been on the bridge for a couple of hours."

"Then where is he dammit?" Bones demanded

"He may have gone down to inspect Engineering Doctor." Hikaru answered "Perhaps you could see if he's there." He was desperately hoping that this would be enough to get the doctor to leave without him realising that he could just ask the computer.

It would've been but it seemed that the universe was against Hikaru because the hatch that Jim was in chose that moment to give way. This in turn dropped Jim on top of Bones who was standing beneath said hatch. There followed a chaotic mess of captain, doctor and swear words (which caused Pavel to blush furiously at his station) that resulted in Bones somehow pinning his friend to the ground. Heaving Jim over his shoulder, despite his continued struggles, Bones fixed Hikaru with an especially murderous glare and growled at him "Mr Sulu. I expect you down at Medbay within half an hour. Understand?"

Hikaru looked around the bridge to see if anyone could help him get out the inevitable, only to find that everyone was staring intently at their screens. He resigned himself to his fate "Yes Doctor McCoy."

The doctor nodded curtly at him and left the bridge still carrying Jim, who had given up struggling, over his shoulder.

At the door they met Spock who merely looked at the CMO carrying the Captain while the Helmsman sat at his post looking chagrined before raising a single eyebrow.

Half an hour later Hikaru Sulu reported to Meday. He returned an hour later looking like a child who just had a severe dressing down and rubbing the back of his neck.

A couple of days later a notice appeared in the corner of the bridge. It read:

**Unofficial Rules of the Enterprise**

**Rule 1**

**Do not assist Captain Kirk in trying to escape his medical.**

Though it was never said or proven most people guessed that a certain CMO had placed it there.

_**PS-Again if people reading this want to use any of the rules to write their own story **_

_**PM me.**_


	3. Rule 3

_**Hello personages. Once again I thank everyone who has reviewed and favourited (is that even a word?) story. It's really encouraged me to keep writing it. You've most likely noticed that I've skipped Rule 2 but as I said last chapter I'm not doing the rules in any particular order.**_

_**I own nothing and thank you for reading.**_

**Rule 3-Do not call Doctor McCoy 'Bones'**

Scotty honestly thought it wouldn't be a problem. Jim called the doctor Bones all the time and nothing happened so he thought McCoy didn't mind the nickname. It would seem that he was very wrong.

Scotty was in the Medbay with some minor burns and cuts (one of his projects didn't quite go as planned) and was being treated by Doctor McCoy. The treatment was quick and easy and all he did was thank the doctor when he was finished. The thanks wasn't the problem. Using the doctor's nickname of 'Bones' however was a fatal mistake. He worked it out very quickly when he was faced with McCoy's most murderous expression. Knowing what that look could possibly precede Scotty took what he thought was the best option for the circumstances.

He ran.

Crewmembers later reported that McCoy chased Scotty the entire length of the ship, tackled the Scotsman from ten feet away, pinned him to the ground and ruthlessly hypoed him. After which he simply got up, did a fancy twirl with the hypo and walked back to Medbay like nothing had happened. Scotty couldn't explain what happened until the forcibly administered anaesthetic wore off three hours later letting him speak properly. After he had finished laughing hysterically Jim informed his CEO that McCoy hated the nickname from anyone except him and Pavel. McCoy had simply given up trying to get Jim to stop and the doctor couldn't bring himself to actually do anything to Pavel when he used the nickname.

The next day Rule 3 was added to the Unofficial Rules and respect for Doctor McCoy pretty much doubled throughout the ship. Well who wouldn't respect a thirty-something man who could tackle and hypo them from ten feet.

_**PS-I'm still willing to let people use these rules to write their own story or in one of theirs even if I've already done one of them. Just PM me and ask.**_


	4. Rule 18

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Due to popular demand in the reviews here's the story behind Rule 18. I hope this pleases everyone and thank you all for your reviews and favourites.**_

_**As always I own nothing including the song 'Guy Love'.**_

**Rule 18-Stop playing the song 'Guy Love' when Captain Kirk and Commander Spock are speaking to each other.**

It wasn't even that personal a conversation. Jim had merely requested that Spock explain some of the planetary scans from the day before. His first officer agreed to his request and they started a completely work related discussion. About five minutes into an explanation about some strange but harmless atmospheric anomalies, an annoyingly familiar song started to play through the bridge speakers.

_Let's face the facts about me and you, our love unspecified. Though I'm proud to call you "chocolate bear", the crowd will always talk and stare._

Jim couldn't believe that it was happening **again**! Didn't his crew have better things to do?

_I feel exactly those feelings too, and that's why I keep them inside, cause this bear, can't bear the world disdain, and sometimes it's easier to hide._

He and Spock tried to ignore it and continue their conversation. Unfortunately Bones was also on the bridge and he wasn't bothering to contain his sniggers.

_Than explain our guy love, that's all it is. Guy love he's mine I'm his. There's nothing gay about it in our eyes._

That line caused the doctor to burst into uproarious laughter and the rest of the bridge were also sniggering.

_You ask me about this thing we share…and he tenderly replies. It's guy love…between two guys._

Unable to contain himself Pavel burst into hysterical giggles and Spock's eye began to get a minute twitch.

_We're closer than the average man and wife. That's why our matching bracelets say Turk and J.D._

Jim had long since given up on trying to ignore it and was savagely glaring around the bridge to see if the culprit was there. Bones was now rolling around the floor still laughing.

_You know I'll stick by you for the rest of my life…You're the only man who's ever been inside of me! Whoa whoa! I just took out his appendix._

These lines caused any crewmember who was still managing to control their laughter to lose it. Pavel fell out of his seat because of his laughter.

_There's no need to clarify…Oh no? Just let it grow more and more each day. It's like I've married my best friend…But in a totally manly way!_

Seeing that he had no command of his now hysterical crew Jim got Spock to help him hack the computer system.

_Let's go! It's guy love, don't compromise, the feeling of some other guy. Holding up your heart into the sky. I'll be there to care through all the lows. I'll be there to share all the highs. It's guy love between two guys. And when I say "I love you, Turk,", It's not what it implies. It's guy love between…two…guys._

Finally they managed to stop it and with the song finished all it took was one glare from Jim and a raised eyebrow from Spock to get the bridge crew to sober up. One more got them all back to work and silence reigned on the bridge for the rest of the shift.

For Jim the first time was annoying enough but he saw the funny side afterward. Fifteen times however was pushing it and if he ever found out who it was he would seriously consider marooning them on the nearest barren planet. Though thinking about there was only one reason he could come up with for the many repeats.

It seemed to be the only thing that got Bones to laugh out loud in front of the entire bridge.

By next shift Rule 18 had appeared on the list in a very angry looking font. When they saw it Scotty was certain he heard Doctor McCoy say only one word…

"Dammit!"

_**PS-**__**Thanks for reading and I think I'll do Rule 35 next.**_


	5. Rule 35

_**Authors Note:**_

_**Hello. Here is Rule 35 as promised, please note that I attempted Pavel's accent so I hopefully got it close to correct. It's longer than the others but hopefully it won't get boring. A big thank you to all who reviewed and favourited (seriously, is this an actual word?) this story. I don't know anything about fencing so sorry if what little is mentioned is wrong and Pavel may be a bit more childish than he is in the film but it's my story so there. **_

_**Obviously I own nothing and please review.**_

**Rule 35- Do not give in to Ensign Chekov's 'puppy eyes'.**

"Please Karu."

Hikaru was **not** going to give in to the pleading voice, he just wasn't. "No Pavel. You're not skilled enough yet to use an actual sword."

"But Karu." Great, the teen was whining now "I von't ewen swing eet near anysing or anyvon."

"**No **Pavel." He was using his firmest voice "You can't use a real sword until you're skilled enough with the training one."

"Just von swing. Please." The boy was now making himself look as adorable as possible.

"No means no Pavel and that is **final**." Hikaru was determined to not let his resolve crumble. The child could not have his way all the time and he was damn sure that Pavel knew this. There was nothing the boy could do that would change Hikaru's mind.

Then Pavel gave him the puppy eyes.

No! He was not going to fall for that. He was a Starfleet officer and one of the top pilots in the fleet. He would not relent to a teenager giving him puppy eyes, he just wouldn't.

But Pavel looked so upset that it was heart-wrenching and those big tear filled eyes were unbearable.

Hikaru's resolve crumbled "Ok Pavel but only a couple of swings."

"Really? You mean eet Karu?" the boy's voice was so full of hope that any remaining doubts in Hikaru's mind were banished. "Yes Pavel. I mean it."

"Sank you Karu." Pavel beamed a huge smile before giving the older man a huge hug. Hikaru handed him his sword and watched the boy try to swing it. Only one thought crossed his mind afterward.

The kid was too adorable for his own good.

* * *

McCoy thought that because of dealing with Jim since the Academy, handling Pavel Chekov wouldn't be a problem. He was now wondering what gave him such a blasphemous idea.

They were on shore leave on a federation colony and somehow Bones had found himself keeping an eye on the teenager. The kid was eighteen dammit, there was no need for him to have a babysitter but Jim, Nyota and even Spock had insisted that Bones stayed with the kid while planetside.

It was fine at first, nothing went wrong and he was wondering why the rest of them were so insistent that the teen was accompanied.

Then they found a sweet shop.

Lieutenant Uhura had told the Doctor in no uncertain terms that Pavel was not allowed any sweets, sugar got him far too hyper, and Bones did not want to get on her bad side. It seemed the boy however did not agree with Nyota's orders and was determined to have some form of sweet treat.

"Can I have some Doctor?" he asked in a ridiculously sweet voice.

"Sorry kid but Uhura was adamant." McCoy hoped this would be enough.

"But Doctor…"

"No Pavel. It's more than my damn life's worth to disobey her."

"I vont tell her so she newer know."

McCoy had to admit that was true so maybe…No! He had to be firm; he could not relent to a teenager who should know better dammit. He was about to tell the boy as much when he saw the eyes.

They were impossibly big and slightly watery and too damn cute. McCoy knew he should resist, should remain firm and not give in. Thinking about it however only he and the kid would know so Nyota would never find out. Besides the kid was eighteen so why couldn't he have sweets, it wasn't like Chekov was a toddler who needed to be babied.

With this completely reasonable argument the scary, fear striking CMO of the _Enterprise_ relented to Pavel's puppy eyes.

"Fine Pavel. You can get some sweets. Just don't tell Uhura."

The teen gave Bones a rib-crushing hug before bounding off towards the shop calling back "Sank you wery much Bones."

McCoy hoped he would not regret his weakness later.

* * *

Spock had a slight dilemma. He was taking an away team down for scientific scans of selected flora on Epsilon 2. The mission was not the problem, it was a fairly well explored planet and largely harmless. The scans themselves were routine since the plants themselves had a very long life cycle so they were simply obtaining information on their currant stage of development. The problem was Ensign Chekov.

He wished to accompany them on the mission and, while it was encouraging to see him volunteering, his skill set was not required. While it was a simple matter of informing Mr Chekov of this fact, Spock found himself faltering because of one thing.

The look the ensign was giving him.

Spock was failing to come up with an answer as to why that look was having this effect. The ensign had merely widened his eyes and made them look slightly watery. There was no logical reason as to why these actions should be causing Spock to re-think his original decision, but they were. The mission was simple and there was no need for Mr Chekov's skills but thinking about it, a simple mission was a prime time to teach the young ensign new skills. He was exceptionally gifted and was obviously eager to learn, so teaching him some aspects of Spock's work on this mission may well benefit the ship in future assignments. Further more Spock was aware that the ensign could have a more extreme emotional response to being refused than other crewmembers. That in turn could have a detrimental effect on his work which could affect the rest of the ship. So it was actually completely logical to agree to his request and Spock's agreement had absolutely nothing to do with the look Chekov was giving him.

"Very well Mr Chekov. Be ready in the transport room in fifteen minutes."

The ensign's face broke into a huge smile before he answered "Sank you Sir." He then almost skipped off the bridge.

When he had left Spock realised that the entire bridge was staring at him. Jim broke the silence. "If Spock can't say no to Chekov's puppy eyes then we're in serious trouble."

Shortly afterwards, in an attempt to stop his entire crew from being wrapped round Pavel's finger, Jim added Rule 35 to the rules. He broke it five minutes later when the boy wanted a shot with his phaser.

_**PS-I didn't do a scenario for all the command crew cause I felt that might be a bit long and repetitive so I hope you enjoyed the ones I did do.**_

_**(I have to say that writing Pavel's accent made this story look very pretty on Microsoft Word. The many red and green lines under the words were very Christmasy.)**_


	6. Rule 13

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Greetings and salutations good readers. Here is Rule 13 though it may not be quite what people had in mind when they first read it. Personally I found this immense fun to write and I hope you'll all enjoy it.**_

_**As per usual I own nothing. **_

**Rule 13-The goose is to be killed on sight!**

It started with a simple communication requesting Jim's presence on the bridge. Not suspecting anything to be wrong he casually made his way there, only to find his bridge crew staring at his command chair warily. Upon inspection Jim discovered something very unusual.

There was a goose sitting in his chair.

Jim turned to the only person on the ship who could give him a semi-reasonable explanation for a goose, on the bridge, on his chair.

"Mr Spock. Could you please tell me why a goose is onboard the ship and sitting in my chair?"

"It appears Captain that there was a malfunction with the transporter system ten minutes and thirty-two seconds ago. This malfunction beamed a goose from Earth onboard the ship where it managed to escape from the transporter room. It found its way to the bridge and sat in the command chair five minutes and twenty-six seconds ago." Though it answered how the goose was there, his first officer's concise report didn't answer Jim's most pressing question.

"Why has no-one removed it from the chair and found a way to send it back yet?"

"Any attempts to remove it from its currant position have caused an aggressive response. It appears that the goose is quite insistent on remaining in the chair."

"Can't we just shoot the thing?"

"That is an illogical idea Captain. Not only do Starfleet protocols say that we must avoid killing other life forms when possible, attempting to shoot the goose may well cause considerable damage to the command chair and its computer systems."

"What if the phaser was set to stun?"

"Though it would be a non-lethal course of action, the risk of damaging vital systems would still be too great."

Seeing that he was getting nowhere consulting Spock, Jim decided to take matters into his own hands and took a step towards his chair. Seeing his approach the goose half unfurled its wings and gave a warning hiss at its potential enemy. Jim, unlike his crew apparently, was undaunted and took another step.

"That won't work. I have faced worse enemies than you feather bag."

The goose however seemed unimpressed with Jim's response and stood up, fully spreading its wings, and stared its opponent down. Jim returned the stare and tension rose on the bridge as the two parties gauged each other. The two tensed minutely…then exploded into action!

Screaming warcries the two foes leapt at each other. There was a tremendous smack as fist met beak and the combatants collided. What followed was a whirling confusion of limbs and wings, while feathers and gold fabric flew into the air like gale-tossed leaves. The bridge stood dumbstruck while goose and man savagely struggled for supremacy; with the fate of the command chair in the balance tension grew as goose and captain tried to gain the advantage. After many hard-fought minutes Jim seized an opportunity, spectacularly somersaulting over his enemy Jim delivered a stunning kick into the goose's back. Honking in defeat the goose fled the bridge.

Quickly ordering two security staff to pursue the retreating foe Jim sat exhausted in his newly conquered chair, looking much worse for wear, wearing a tattered gold shirt and sporting many cuts and bruises on his face he turned to his First Officer.

"Spock I don't care what regulations say. The goose is to be killed on sight."

Spock took one look at the battered captain's determined expression and replied.

"Of course Captain, but I would suggest that you visit the Medbay."

Thus Unofficial Rule 13 was created and therein began a long and vicious war between the crew of the _Enterprise _and their mortal enemy the goose.

_**PS-I hope you all enjoyed this and I'll try and do Rule 38, followed by Rule 39 next. **_


	7. Rule 38

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Good morrow to you all. So as promised here is Rule 38, though I should warn you that it could potentially cause fluffy bunnies to hurl and readers to melt because of its adorable fluffiness. Hopefully this story isn't repetitive as I tried to put a bit of uniqueness in for each character but we shall see. As I said last chapter Rule 39 is next so watch this space.**_

_**I own nothing. **_

**Rule 38-If you see any of the Command Crew carrying a sleeping Ensign Chekov to bed, you saw nothing.**

Scotty took Pavel to bed the first time.

He had just finished his shift and was going to read in one of the smaller recreation rooms. It was often unoccupied and quieter, so it was a great place to unwind in peace after a late night shift. However, when he arrived he found that Pavel was already there. He was also asleep.

The boy was curled up in one of the big armchairs and clutching his PADD to his chest like a teddy bear. He was breathing gently and would occasionally shift slightly in his sleep making small murmuring noises. All in all he looked very cute and adorable.

Scotty trod lightly towards an unoccupied armchair, when he passed Pavel he noticed that the PADD was still switched on. Reaching down he gently prised it from the boy's fingers hoping it wouldn't wake him. The teen gave a small grunt and shifted in his sleep but settled down again, successful Scotty went to turn the PADD off but stopped when he saw what was on it. Now Scotty himself was exceptionally skilled with numbers but this equation would have given him a serious challenge. He shook his head in wonderment; at eighteen the lad was more than a match in intellect for him and with a bit of time he may even match Spock.

Then he noticed the small timer in the corner of the screen, it said five hours and fifty-four minutes. The boy had been working on the equation for nearly six hours!

Quickly doing the math, he realised that Pavel must have started working on it just after his bridge shift ended and effectively continued through the night. Taking another look at the sleeping teen Scotty noticed the bags under his eyes and wondered how many other all-nighters the lad had been pulling.

Deciding that he couldn't leave the boy sleeping in an armchair, Scotty gently scooped Pavel into his arms. The lad muttered then snuggled against his chest causing him to smile as he slowly walked towards the boy's quarters. Pavel had told Scotty the access code ages ago so he had no trouble entering. He made his way to the neatly made bed and, pulling the covers back, gently laid the lad on the bed. The boy made some small noises and turned on his side as he carefully placed the covers over him.

Leaving quietly Scotty made a mental note to speak to Jim of Pavel's sleeping habits. They couldn't let the lad overtire himself after all.

The next day Jim took Pavel aside and gave him a lecture on sleeping properly.

* * *

It was Uhura's turn a couple of weeks later.

She was eating with Spock and Pavel in the mess hall not long after their shifts ended. She had invited the young Russian to eat with them after seeing how obviously tired he was during shift. She was planning to try and convince him to turn in early so he could get some badly needed sleep. It turned out that her involvement would not be needed in getting the boy to sleep however.

She was talking with Spock (while wondering how she could get Pavel to go to bed without making him feel like a child) when she noticed the boy's head gently nodding as his eyelids drooped. Seeing that Spock had also noticed she subtly motioned to him to not show any indication that they were aware of it. Though most likely not understanding why, he followed her lead and they continued their conversation as though the teen wasn't falling asleep next to them. Over the next few minutes both Nyota and Spock kept an eye on the boy as his eyelids got lower. Knowing what was about to happen she made a move to grab the bowl of soup in front of him. However Spock was quicker than her and he managed to rescue it just before the teen face-planted in it. As Pavel's head landed on the table with a soft thump, crewmembers at the surrounding tables looked towards them. One look from Nyota however was enough to get them to hurriedly look away again. Getting up, she made her way around the table to the now sleeping boy and carefully, as not to disturb him, lifted him up into her arms. Grunting a little as she realised he was a bit heavier than he looked; she adjusted him so he was in a more comfortable position. Merely smiling a farewell to Spock and his raised eyebrow she left the mess hall. On her way out she noticed that although the crewmembers were seemingly still engrossed in their own conversations and meals, the mess hall was distinctly quieter.

Making her way to Pavel's quarters she began to quietly hum an old lullaby her mother used to sing to her, seemingly causing the boy in her arms to smile softly in his sleep. Entering the code he had given her she softly walked across the slightly messy floor and deposited him in his bed. Gently placing the covers over him she brushed her hand through his hair, still humming her mothers lullaby. He moved his head towards her and muttered something in Russian, slowly removing her hand and still humming she softly slipped out the door.

When Pavel came on the bridge the next day looking much better rested than the day before, she smiled but made no comment.

* * *

Jim's turn came around during an actual bridge shift.

He had noticed how tired Pavel was as soon as he came on the bridge. The bags under his eyes were a huge giveaway as was the fact that he was yawning every couple of minutes. The problem was that Jim knew that if he tried to point it out the kid would stubbornly deny it. Though he could simply order the boy to get more sleep, he knew that course of action would only cause Pavel to go and sulk in his quarters, which would only make things worse.

While he was trying to find a solution to the problem Jim failed to notice that an awkward silence had fallen over the bridge. It was a good few minutes later when Hikaru's voice broke through his thoughts.

"Um…Captain?"

Looking up he saw that the whole bridge was staring at the navigation station. Looking there himself he saw that Pavel was leaning forward at the station with his head propped up by his right hand. He also seemed to be sleeping. Getting up and walking over, Jim saw that the kid was completely dead to the world. Realising that the bridge was still staring Jim said to them.

"Crewmen get back to work. I'll deal with this."

Responding to his commanding tone of voice, they promptly obeyed. Slipping one arm under the kid's shoulders and the other under his knees, he hoisted Pavel up. Holding the boy against his chest he looked at his first officer.

"Mr Spock I'll be back in a minute. You have the conn."

With that, he carried Pavel off the bridge.

Walking gently to the kid's quarters, Jim gave the curious crewmembers he passed a single look and they quickly looked the other way. Reaching his destination without incident, he entered and headed straight towards the bed. He carefully placed his young charge on it and tucked the covers round him. Jim gently placed a fatherly kiss on the boy's forehead and said quietly.

"Sleep well Pasha."

As he softly left the room he was certain he heard Pavel mutter in his sleep.

"Sank you Papa."

_**PS-I tried to use the crew who weren't that prominent in the story for Rule 35 and I hopefully wrote them right. Also I'm willing to let other people use these rule, just PM me if you're interested.**_


	8. Rule 39

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Good day everyone. Firstly thank you for all the reviews and favourites, I've been really encouraged by the amount of people who've responded to this story. Here is Rule 39 as promised and I hope you all enjoy it.**_

_**I don't own any thing.**_

**Rule 39-If Ensign Chekov is being carried by anyone else report it to the Captain immediately!**

Pavel woke up feeling incredibly groggy. Slowly becoming more alert he realised that he must have been sedated, Bones most likely did it because he had been skipping out on sleep again. He should really stop going to sleep this way; the sedative induced haze really wasn't helpful when starting the day and the ropes digging into his wrists were really painful.

Wait, ropes?

Snapping alert, Pavel took stock of his position. He found he was sitting tightly bound in some sort of metal room with his back against the wall. He tried to remember how he got there but wasn't coming up with anything, and then he remembered.

He had been working with Scotty and they had been in the CEO's office looking at ways to improve the warp drive. The older man had been called away to deal with a situation that occurred leaving Pavel to continue studying the ideas they had come up with. He had heard someone enter and, thinking that Scotty had come back he started to explain a new idea he had when there was a sudden pain in the back of his neck and he blacked out.

So he had been kidnapped, again. It seemed every lifeform with a dislike of the _Enterprise _had recently decided that kidnapping Pavel was a good idea. It had been slavers on Gamma 2 three weeks ago, a few _Narada _survivors the week after and the crazy Beta Vega colonists last week. He was beginning to wonder if he had a flashing 'kidnap me now' sign above his head. However this was the first time he had been taken from on board ship, the other times he was either on shore leave or an away mission.

The sound of a door and approaching footsteps broke him out of his meandering thoughts and he looked up to see a gold shirted man come towards him. Pavel recognised him as Lieutenant Neil who replaced him when he was off shift.

"You woke up quicker than I thought you would."

He was unsurprised by the other navigator's statement; previous kidnappers had tried to unnerve him by saying ambiguous things until they had built up enough tension to make unveiling their plan more dramatic. Seeing if he could skip that part Pavel spoke.

"So vats you're plan zen?"

"Excuse me?"

"You're plan. You're going to tell me at some point so vat is eet?"

Looking slightly thrown by Pavel's question and lack of concern at his position, Neil answered.

"Kirk will quickly realise that you've gone and hunt for you. He'll follow the clues I've left behind to this planet and the old mining facility we're in now. Your positioning deep underground means he'll be unable to beam you up forcing him to come down to the surface. He'll most likely bring Spock and McCoy with him and some security officers. Using you as a hostage I'll get them to drop their weapons letting me kill them at my leisure. With its precious captain and first officer gone the _Enterprise_ will be easy to take and I'll be in control of the Federation's flagship."

After hearing this Pavel was seriously wondering how a supposedly navigation and tactical expert thought this plan would work.

"You actually sink zat plan vill vork?"

"My plan is flawless." Here Pavel decided that Neil was either crazy or stupid. "It may be simple but that is part of its brilliance. There is no way that moron Kirk will see this coming and neither will the Vulcan so nothing or no-one will thwart it."

Looking behind Neil, Pavel grinned and happily cried.

"Keptin!"

Spinning around Neil just had time to register Jim's presence before the Captain's fist collided solidly with his face.

Ignoring the Lieutenant now lying unconscious on the floor Jim went straight to Pavel and began to untie him.

"You ok Pasha?"

"Fine sor."

Having untied him, Jim quickly hugged him before looking at the now restrained Lieutenant Neil being supported by two security staff.

"As soon as we're back on the ship take him to the brig."

* * *

Two hours later; after a long medical examination from McCoy, mother henning from Nyota and many hugs and hair ruffles from the rest of the crew. Pavel found himself being escorted to the mess hall by Jim who had not gone more than ten feet away from him since they were beamed back aboard. He had long since resigned himself to the fact that he was going to be accompanied by someone pretty much everywhere he went for the foreseeable future, until Jim was convinced that he wasn't going to be kidnapped again anytime soon. It seemed his somewhat surrogate father was a bit overprotective and it didn't help that the rest of his surrogate family were also like that.

When they arrived Pavel found that the entire Command Crew were already there. Being swiftly ushered to a table, he was sat down beside Bones while Jim sat on his other side. Everyone else found seats around the table and Nyota brought in a tray. Pavel's eyes widened when he saw the huge triple layered chocolate cake with buttercream on it. As she served him a huge slice she only said one thing.

"We're glad you're safe."

Understanding the emotions behind the simple statement, Pavel smiled a grateful smile before tucking into his slice of chocolate cake surrounded by his family.

Rule 39 had appeared by the next day, though its wording was never explained.

_**PS-It's all in Pavel's point of view so sorry to anyone who wanted to know what happened on the Enterprise during this. If anyone is up for writing their own story about things mentioned in this then PM me. I don't mind others using bits of my work so long as they ask first.**_


	9. Rule 23

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen and Officers of the Royal Navy here is Rule 23 since a few people have said they quite liked it. There seem to be a lot of Pavel fans reading this so you'll be pleased to know that I'm doing Rules 11 and 12 together in the next chapter. Thank you to everyone who has shown support for this story and I hope you enjoy this chapter.**_

_**As per usual, I own nothing.**_

**Rule 23-Do not play the 'Imperial March' from Star Wars when Doctor McCoy comes onto the bridge.**

Bones was on his way to the bridge to drag a certain hospital-phobic captain down to Medbay. Jim had just recently recovered from a particularly nasty form of alien measles but had, unsurprisingly, not appeared for the check-up that would make sure that the illness had completely gone. This meant that McCoy wasn't in the best of moods when he arrived at the bridge. His mood was not improved when, as soon as the turbolift arrived, _'it' _started to play.

Everyone looked up as the 'Imperial March' blared out across the bridge and there was a bit of confusion until they noticed the ship's CMO standing just outside the turbolift glaring at the nearest speaker. Deciding to ignore the music announcing his arrival, Bones began to march ominously towards his friend in the Captain's chair. He realised halfway there that he was actually marching in time to the music and this was causing several bridge members to start sniggering at how perfectly the tune fitted.

Reaching the chair and its giggling occupant, Bones gave his most fear-striking glare to the whole bridge and the music magically stopped. Transferring his glare to Jim below him he waited until the check-up dodger stopped giggling.

"Well Bones. I think that suited you perfectly." The brat said with a huge grin on his face. Not inclined to start bandying words McCoy got straight to the point.

"Jim. Check-up. **Now**."

"But Bones I feel fine. Besides don't you have anything to say about your new theme tune?"

Too fed up to deal with Jim's foolishness, Bones hauled him up by the scruff of his neck and march the infantile captain off the bridge, angrily calling back as he went.

"Spock. You take the conn."

The turbolift door closed behind them leaving Spock to try and work out what just happened.

* * *

Another day and McCoy was once again storming up to the bridge. Pavel had come in earlier feeling sick; a quick scan showed that he had developed a form of the cold. It wasn't serious but it was one of those illnesses that could only be cured with time and rest. Bones had sent him off back to his quarters with strict instructions to rest, he had gone to check up on the kid later to find that he wasn't there and a quick check with the computer revealed that the boy was on the bridge. Muttering several curses and wondering why the supposed genius members of the crew decided they didn't need to listen to his orders, McCoy headed to the bridge. Waiting in the turbolift, he hoped that damn music wouldn't play this time. Since the first time it had happened on multiple occasions and he really hated it now. As if determined to see how annoyed he got before he murdered someone, the 'Imperial March' loudly declared his arrival again. Resisting the temptation to rip apart the nearest speaker, Bones headed straight towards his wayward patient who was visibly cringing at his station. McCoy launched straight into his row.

"Pavel Andreivic Chekov! I ordered you to return to your quarters and rest."

"But I felt vell enough to attend to my duties sor." Pavel feebly protested.

"Dammit kid. If I tell you to go and rest, you do it or you might end up seriously damaging your health. I don't care how you feel at the time, if I say you're unable to work then you listen. Now get your butt back to your quarters before I drag it there."

"But sor…"

Having had enough and completely infuriated by the tune that was still playing, Bones grabbed Chekov by the ear and dragged him like a naughty child off the bridge.

"And someone turn that damn music off!"

The next day Rule 23 appeared in a font that promised severe repercussions for anyone who broke it.

_**PS-Thank you those who have shown an interest in writing stories based on what's in this one. Inspiring others with my work is a huge privilege. **_


	10. Rules 11 and 12

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Greetings to you all. Here are Rules 11 and 12 for all those who have been asking for them. They are sort of one rule so I put them together. I'm not sure which rule to do next so say which one you want in your review if you wish to (I know a lot of people already have so Thank You for doing so). Thank you for your continued support and enjoy.**_

_**I own nothing (in case you hadn't guessed).**_

**Rule 11-Beaming a shark into the swimming pool is not funny.**

Bones was going to kill whoever was responsible.

It started off as a completely normal day. As usual he headed to the pool before his shift started. He always tried to get an hour long swim in for exercise before work, obviously there were sometimes days, even weeks in a row this didn't happen but he always tried when he could. Most mornings Pavel also went for a swim to cool off after his early morning jog and the two of them had the pool to themselves. Pavel understood that McCoy was not up for socialising in the mornings and usually he took one side and let Bones have the other. This morning however did not go at all normally.

Everything was fine at first, Bones arrived in time to see the teen exit the changing rooms towards the pool giving the doctor privacy to get changed. He had only just finished changing when there was a tremendous scream from the pool and before he could react Pavel sprinted round the corner sobbing hysterically. Bones had just enough time to brace himself before the kid leapt at him, wrapped his arms round his torso and buried his face into his chest. Completely clueless as to what happened, McCoy placed his arms around the boy and ran his hand through the kid's hair to try and calm him down.

Unfortunately it did nothing to help and being unable to get Pavel to let him go he couldn't go and find out what scared the kid. Seeing his communicator in reach Bones managed to pick it up and contact Jim.

"What?" Jim's sleepy voice came through.

"Something has happened in the pool Jim. Pavel's completely freaked out."

"I'm on my way down."

Wondering what else he could do while he waited, Bones decided to contact Nyota. She would be much better at calming the teen down than him.

"McCoy to Uhura."

"What do you need doctor?" she sounded much more alert than Jim did.

"Pavel has been scared out of his wits by something in the swimming pool. I thought you might be able to calm him down."

"I'll be right there. Just get him as calm as you can."

"Thank you Nyota."

Jim arrived five minutes later and stopped dead at what he saw. Confused, Bones looked at the expression on his friends face, then he realised that he was hugging a sobbing Pavel and both of them were only wearing swim shorts.

Now feeling exceptionally awkward Bones snapped at Jim.

"Dammit Jim. He charged out of the pool screaming blue murder, cannoned into me and has refused to let go since."

Nyota arrived at that moment and, completely ignoring the awkwardness of the scene in front of her, walked straight towards Bones and Pavel.

"Pavel." She began soothingly "I know you're upset but you need to let go of Doctor McCoy now."

Her only response was a shake of the boy's head and something sobbed in Russian into the older man's chest. Jim (who had been torn between helping Pavel and finding out what caused his distress) stepped forward to help.

"Hey Pasha. I think Bones is going to be crushed to death if you don't let go of him soon."

Hearing this, the kid peered around McCoy and upon seeing his surrogate father relinquished his hold on the doctor and threw himself at Jim instead. Finally able to move again and with Nyota and Jim occupied with the still sobbing Pavel, Bones went to find out what caused the kid's hysterics in the first place.

Cautiously entering where the pool was, McCoy scanned the room looking for anything suspicious/dangerous. Quickly noticing the strange triangular object sticking above the water and moving fast, he moved closer to investigate. Seeing what it was he took a short while to comprehend it.

There was a shark in the pool. An actual shark, in the pool. A living, breathing honest to God shark, in the pool.

THERE WAS A FREAKING SHARK IN THE POOL!

Simultaneously thanking whoever was listening that Pavel didn't get eaten and cursing whatever sick, twisted and evil person did this ten times over, Bones spoke into his comm.

"Scotty I don't damn well care what you're doing, get your ass down to the swimming pool now!"

In the end it took Scotty a good hour to work out how to beam the creature back to whatever sea it came from. It took a lot longer to calm Pavel down and even longer to get him to let go of Jim. Needless to say a lot of the Command Crew where very late to their shift and Pavel would not go anywhere near the pool, shark free or not.

Rule 11 was added very shortly afterwards.

* * *

**Rule 12-Neither is beaming in an alligator.**

It was two weeks before they could convince Pavel to go swimming again. Even then it was only if Jim would go with him.

So the day after the agreement, Jim met Pavel in the changing rooms after the kid had finished his jog. Successfully preventing the boy from chickening out at the last minute, Jim stood poolside while the kid swam. The first few minutes went fine and Jim had drifted into thinking about his duties for the day when Pavel screamed.

Snapping out of his thoughts, Jim focused on his charge in time to see him moving at a speed that would have put a power boat to shame. Getting poolside in record time, the kid shot up the ladder out of the water and charged at his captain. Jim just managed to prevent himself from being bowled over as the boy desperately hugged him. Wrapping protective arms around his charge, he quickly scanned the water looking for what had scared the kid. He instantly noticed the scaly body under the surface.

It was a fully grown alligator.

Dragging Pavel with him, Jim backed away from the pool edge thankful that the pool walls were too high for the reptile to get out. Managing to get his comm while still comforting his charge, he called Scotty.

"Scotty. Get to the pool now!"

This time Scotty managed to send the very confused reptile back to where it came from fairly quickly. However this was little comfort to Pavel who continued to sob in Jim's arms for an hour. From then on he refused to get in the pool unless it had been scanned for non-sentient lifeforms first.

Rule 12 was added to the list later that day and they never found out who had beamed the shark and alligator into the pool in the first place.

Jim was certain that if the Command Crew did, they wouldn't find a body.

_**PS-I may do a fluffy crew family Christmas fic soon, so keep an eye out. **_


	11. Rule 5

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hello everyone. Lots of you put in requests but they varied a lot so I went with Rule 5 which I think most people wanted. It is a little bit different from the others and contains a bit of Pavel whump but has fluff at the end. Thank you for your continued support and I hope you enjoy.**_

_**I own nothing. **_

**Rule 5-Bullying Ensign Chekov is a bad idea.**

Pavel seriously hurt everywhere.

He had never thought things would get this bad since there had been no reason for them to. Regardless he was now lying in the Medbay with lots of bruises, several broken bones and a frantic Command Crew all mother-hening him.

It technically started in his first year at the Academy when three cadets in his year decided that he was young, scrawny, and weak and therefore an easy target. It never went beyond insults, barbed comments and occasional tripping up. He never reported it since it was nothing he hadn't been through before and previous experiences taught him that doing so only made things worse. The next three years he just avoided them when he could or travelled with a group of girls who were more than happy to defend him because they thought he was adorable. Coming onto the _Enterprise _it continued, but with two of them being science officers and the other in Security he rarely saw them. When he did it was much the same, insults as they passed when no-one else was about.

It seemed, unfortunately, that they had recently decided to go much further.

Pavel had been down in engineering and was alone in a secluded corner of the hanger studying one of the monitors. He heard someone approach and looked up to see the three bullies walking towards him menacingly and blatantly cracking their knuckles. Backing up he found himself trapped against a wall and with nowhere to run, grabbing his comm from his belt he tried to contact Scotty but a punch from the security officer sent it flying out of his hand. Grinning maliciously the red shirt readied another blow.

"You've had this coming a long time brat."

From there it became an eternity of blows and pain as they continued to beat him. Nowhere near strong enough to fight back Pavel ended up curled in a ball protecting his head as they rained punches down on him. One of them started to add some kicks as he whimpered in pain.

Then the most wonderful thing happened, one of the three beating him yelped in pain and the blows stopped.

Peeking out through his arms Pavel saw Scotty cracking his knuckles with the whole Command Crew and several other crewmembers at his back. One of the science officers was clutching at his nose while it spouted blood as he and the other two backed away from the livid crew who looked like they wanted to break their necks. Stepping forward with his eyes burning with anger, Jim gave orders to several security staff.

"Get them out of my sight."

As the security officers savagely manhandled the three away Bones shot to Pavel's side and quickly scanned him while shouting for someone to get him to the Medbay. Feeling someone lift him up gently Pavel drifted into unconsciousness.

* * *

Coming back around, he found himself in the Medbay with his family around him. Seeing him opening his eyes Bones leaned forward from where he was sitting on the right side of the bed.

"How you feeling kid?"

"Eet hurts."

"I'm not surprised. You had a broken arm, several broken ribs, internal bleeding and a mass of bruises." The doctor told him.

Feeling a shift on his left Pavel looked to see Jim sitting on that side of the bed, Nyota was sitting next to him with Spock standing behind her. Hikaru and Scotty were hovering at the end of the bed and they all looked relived that he was awake.

"Pavel what the hell happened in the hanger. Scotty received your comm. only to hear you crying out in pain. We found your location and arrived to see them beating the hell out of you."

It was Jim who had spoken and everyone else looked at Pavel expectantly. Fidgeting nervously he answered.

"Zey just approached me and guessing zeir intentions I tried to contact Scotty but zey knocked ze comm out of my hand."

"Didn't they have a reason for it?"

"Vell zey alvays picked on me at ze Academy."

"Wait." It was Bones who spoke. "These jerks have been bullying you since the Academy?"

"Da."

"Dammit kid. Why didn't you ever report it?"

"Zey only ever really threw insults and tripped me occasionally so eet vasn't zat big a concern."

Holding up a hand to stop Bones launching into a tirade at Pavel, Jim gave him a serious look.

"Pavel if someone is bullying you then you tell one of us."

"But Sor…"

"I mean it Pasha. If you're being targeted you tell us or something like this could happen again and we care about you too much to let that happen. Understand?"

Hearing the genuineness in his voice Pavel answered.

"Da papa."

At that Jim smiled.

By the time Bones released him from medical Pavel noticed that Rule 5 had appeared though he never found out what happened to the three bullies.

_**PS-I'm going to concentrate on the Christmas fic I'm planning so this may not be updated for a while but keep an eye out for me posting in the near future.**_


	12. Rule 14

_**Authors Note:**_

_**Hello everyone. I'm back with a shorter chapter this time but hopefully it's as good as the others. Many of you may have noticed that my Christmas story 'Pavel's First Christmas' is up so please check that out if you haven't. Thank you for your continued support and I hope you enjoy.**_

_**The characters and suchlike do not belong to me.**_

**Rule 14-Will whoever hacked the replicator in the officer's recreation area please fix it.**

Hikaru Sulu eyed the replicator suspiciously.

It was sitting there looking completely innocent but he knew better. It had got Scotty in the back of the head only yesterday and Nyota right on the nose that morning. It was entirely random which victim it picked but it never missed.

There had been many attempts to sort it out but it refused to be moved or fixed. When some engineers tried it machine gunned them until they backed off and then pummelled anyone who got within ten feet for the rest of the day. Long range methods of disabling it were also in vain as it seemed to notice them instantly and bombarded anything until the attempt was deemed a failure

So Hikaru felt he had good reason to be wary.

Unfortunately he had to pass the evil replicator to leave the room which left him exposed. Walking carefully towards the door, he kept the machine in sight the whole way there. Backing towards the exit he heard the door open and thinking he was safe he turned his back to leave.

He heard the machine firing and spun round in time to see a huge marshmallow missile heading for his face.

He refused to explain when he came on the bridge with a shiner of a black eye.

* * *

Spock did not understand why the replicator was such a problem.

It was surely a simple malfunction that needed to be corrected and was not the huge problem the crew made it out to be. As such he did not feel at all intimidated by walking past the machine to use the door.

He was reading a fascinating scientific journal in the officer's recreation area when Jim commed telling him that they were requested on the bridge and he would meet him there. Getting up he made his way to the door and just as he left he heard the replicator activate and felt it score two direct hits.

Passing the room on his way to the bridge at that moment, Jim collapsed to the floor laughing uncontrollably at the sight of his first officer standing in the doorway with a marshmallow speared beautifully on each of his pointed ear tips.

Upon arrival at the bridge, once Jim had calmed down, Spock added Rule 14.

_**PS-Thank you for reading. I may update once more before Christmas so hopefully see you then.**_


	13. Rule 16

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hello everyone. Here is Rule 16 for you all and I will not update again till after Christmas. I hope you enjoy this chapter and thank you for everybody's continued support.**_

_**I own nothing.**_

* * *

**Rule 16-Disney's Bambi is banned from any crew film nights.**

Crew film night was one of the best nights of the week.

Though it was largely attended by the Command Crew several other crewmembers went as well. One person chose the movie each week and it would be someone else's turn the next week.

This time it was Nyota's turn to choose the movie and she chose a long time favourite of hers. Disney's Bambi had been her most loved movie when she was very little, despite its age and dated animation, and when she discovered that several crewmembers, including McCoy and Pavel, had never seen it she decided to fix this flaw in their childhoods. Their reactions, especially McCoy's, were completely unexpected.

When the movie started most people reacted the way Nyota thought they would; Pavel commented on the animation, Scotty and Hikaru looked nostalgic, Spock looked emotionless as ever but she could tell he was enjoying it, McCoy seemed to be reserving judgement till it was finished and Jim looked strangely excited about it. It carried on this way, though Jim seemed to get more and more into the movie as it continued, until they hit a critical plot point.

Bambi's mother dying.

Nyota could remember sobbing into her mother's arms the first few times she watched that scene but as she got older she learned to control herself though it still made her sad. She would have expected a child to cry at this point but not any of her crewmates, apparently she was wrong.

There was a definite sniff from Pavel and Nyota looked at him just as he lost composure and burst into sobs. With her maternal instincts kicking in, she was about to start to comforting the boy when she heard weeping from beside her. Turning around she saw McCoy of all people crying with his head in his hands. Now stuck between comforting Pavel or the usually grumpy CMO Nyota was at a loss. Turning back she saw that Jim already had the boy in his arms, though he was having little success at comforting Pavel, so she turned her attention back to the doctor.

Rubbing his back soothingly she let him continue crying, after a short while he still wouldn't stop so she pulled him into a hug. Both McCoy and Pavel sobbed for a further fifteen minutes until they somehow cried themselves to sleep. The rest of the people gathered had ignored the movie in favour of watching the scene playing out in front of them and the night was effectively finished.

Jim gathered the now sleeping Pavel into his arms and left, obviously taking the boy to bed, leaving Nyota wondering what to do with McCoy. Before she came to a decision, Spock picked the sleeping doctor up and carried him out the room without saying a word.

The next day no-one, not even Jim, could bring themselves to mention what happened the night before to either of them. They tried to watch Bambi again but it didn't work. After three attempts with the same result Rule 16 was added.

* * *

_**PS-I hope you all have a great Christmas and please review.**_


	14. Rule 2

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hello and I hope you all had a good Christmas. Here is the story behind Rule 2 and I thank everyone who is still supporting this story. I'm working on another story that's Pavel-centric; it is using the events of Gamma 2 which I briefly mentioned in the chapter for Rule 39. The plan is that it will focus a lot on the father/son relationship between Jim and Pavel but we'll see how it goes. Hopefully that will be up soon so watch this space and I hope you enjoy this chapter.**_

_**I do not own any thing to do with Star Trek.**_

* * *

**Rule 2-Do not badmouth or gossip about any of the Command Crew no matter what they do. **

Hikaru Sulu was eating in the mess hall when two engineers came in and sat at a nearby table. One of them seemed to be wearing a slightly blackened uniform and was speaking angrily to his friend.

"I can't believe that guy." Sulu was about to tune out the conversation when the next words caught his attention. "I mean, how did he get put in charge anyway? He's a crazy idiot."

Hikaru was pretty certain who they were talking about but remained quiet as the man continued his rant.

"He keeps testing stupid theories and trying dangerous experiments while we run around trying to stop all of engineering from going to pot and keep the damn ship going. He then blows something up and we have to sort his mess."

Though they hadn't said a name Hikaru knew exactly who he meant and felt his anger grow at the oblivious crewman as he kept going.

"Only this morning he blew some sort of modified power cell up and if I was any closer I could have been seriously injured or even killed."

His friend nodded in agreement "Mr Scott is dire; I don't even know how he's not been booted out of Starfleet yet and they way he coddles that Russian kid is ridiculous."

"I know," the first man answered "he lets that runt do what he likes and the kid shouldn't even be on this ship, he's way to young and should still be hanging onto his mothers apron strings. Both Mr Scott and Kirk let him loose in engineering and he isn't even an engineer, he should be playing with equations at Kirks feet where he belongs and not down where we're doing the real work."

Hikaru was now hard pressed to not thump the guy speaking and the reply from his mate didn't help.

"You're right, that kid is a pain and you can barely understand him as well as being disrespectful. He's only an Ensign and yet he still calls Mr Scott 'Scotty' and answers back to the Captain and Kirk lets him. I also heard he corrected Lieutenant Neil in front of the entire bridge and wasn't even verbally reprimanded."

The other man started up again. "If you ask me, that brat needs a good hiding to be taught to show proper respect to his betters."

At this Hikaru decided he had heard enough. Getting up from the table, without letting the two engineers (who were still ranting) know he had heard, he went to find Jim. He was certain that the Captain would be very interested in a spot of revenge.

* * *

Two days later one of the engineers found that his quarters was flooded with bubbles that dyed all his uniforms and his hair neon pink when they popped. The other one was ruthlessly attacked by a small robot that threw water balloons with deadly accuracy at the general area of his crotch making him look like he had wet himself all day.

The next week Pavel overheard two female Ensigns gossiping about Jim and Spock and spreading some very dodgy rumours about the nature of their friendship. The day after, both of them were ambushed by huge fake spiders at inopportune moments all day until they were nervous wrecks.

It is unknown who did it but Rule 2 was added shortly afterward. It was also one of the rules everyone had to know by the end of their first day.

* * *

_**PS-Thank you for reading this and I'll either post another story or update soon**_


	15. Rule 24

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hi everyone. Here is Rule 24 for you all and I hope you enjoy the last update of the year. I'm still working on my Pavel story but it may take a while. I'll get it up as soon as I can but I hope you enjoy this chapter in the meantime.**_

_**I own nothing.**_

* * *

**Rule 24-Stop trying to give Ensign Chekov 'the talk'.**

Pavel was completely, utterly and totally embarrassed.

It seemed that people believed he had missed some important life lessons and were trying to tell him about something he already knew about. They didn't seem to realise he wasn't that young and he certainly wasn't that naïve even if he had learnt about it a bit later than others. He was also very sure that he didn't need to be told again thank you very much. Unfortunately some people haven't realised this.

It had been Nyota first but she had at least tried to tell him in private. He had just finished his morning jog and was heading back to his quarters to shower (he still didn't trust the swimming pool) when she accosted him in the corridor.

"Pavel, do you think I could speak privately with you?"

Curious about what she wanted to speak with him about he answered. "Da. Ve can speak in my quarters."

"Thank you."

They walked together down the corridor and upon entering his quarters she sat on the chair next to his small desk while he sat on the bed.

"Vat are you vanting to speak vith me about?"

After his question Nyota took a deep breath before speaking.

"Pavel, I know that you're a very bright boy but I wanted to make sure that you hadn't missed certain things when you skipped school years."

Getting a sneaking suspicion of what she was talking about he asked. "Vat things?"

She hesitated before answering. "Certain life lessons about…you know…boys and girls and how they can interact as adults in a more…physical way."

His suspicions confirmed Pavel interrupted before she got any further. "Nyota, are you trying to give me 'ze talk' because I've been told about zat already."

"You have?"

"Da."

Blushing furiously, Nyota quickly got up and headed towards the door talking rapidly. "I'm sorry but I just didn't know if you had been told or not and I didn't want anyone to take advantage of you and I'll let you get ready for your shift."

Reaching the door she darted out before Pavel could say anything.

* * *

Having finished his shower and changed into his uniform, Pavel headed to the mess hall to eat having made a mental note to speak to Nyota about earlier to alleviate some of her embarrassment. When he got his breakfast he was grabbed by Scotty and led to a secluded table in the corner. They sat down and ate in silence for a bit until the older man put down his cutlery and, placing his elbows on the table, looked at Pavel with a serious expression.

"Now laddie, I feel that since you're a young man there are a few wee things you need tae know for when you find yourself a nice lassie."

Knowing where he was going, Pavel opened his mouth to stop the Scotsman but he held up his hand.

"Now dinnae interrupt laddie just let me continue. Where was I? Yes, now when you get your nice lassie she may try getting you tae do certain …things with her that you may not understand…"

Pavel cut in before Scotty could finish. "I've already been given 'ze talk', I don't need eet again."

Seemingly unabashed by this, Scotty grinned, got up and patted him on the head.

"Good lad, I'm glad I dinnae have tae tell you then."

With that the Scotsman left and hearing sniggering behind him Pavel turned and saw Hikaru standing there.

He had heard the whole conversation.

Turing bright red, Pavel decided that starting his bridge shift early was a very good idea.

* * *

He had arrived about half an hour early to start his shift and luckily Jim had only looked curiously at him and not grilled him to find out why. Hikaru arrived on time and going by the Asian man's grin Pavel was certain he wasn't going to hear the last of what happened at breakfast from him for a long time. The first hour was uneventful and if Nyota was still embarrassed about earlier she didn't show it. Spock eventually broke the peaceful silence of the bridge.

"Mr Chekov."

Turning his seat Pavel looked up at the First Officer.

"Da Commander?"

Pausing only briefly, the older man spoke.

"I have recently come to the conclusion that you may have missed a vital part of your education due to being moved to higher levels during your schooling."

Pavel was really hoping that this wasn't going the way he thought it was.

"It is highly likely that you do not have vital information regarding the changes that your body is going through at its currant stage of development. As such you may also be unaware of certain key parts of human reproduction and the reasons for your currently more erratic hormones."

Hearing the suppressed sniggers from all over the bridge, Pavel felt his face burn with embarrassment but before he could try and stop Spock, Jim interrupted his First Officer.

"Spock you're embarrassing the kid, you don't need to say anymore. Pavel has had 'the talk'. I told him about it all myself."

"Captain, are you sure you covered all aspects when you did?"

"Yes Spock, don't worry. Ensign Chekov knows all he needs to about mating."

With that the entire bridge burst into gales of laughter and Pavel was left sitting with his face shining bright red. He didn't hear the end of it for a very long time.

Rule 24 was added and it caused people to break into giggles when they saw it for a good few months afterwards.

* * *

_**PS-Please review and Happy New Year to you all.**_


	16. Rule 27

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Welcome back everyone. Now that Father To Son is finished I'm am back to writing this fic. Thank you to those who still reviewed this even though I haven't updated it for a few days. I hope you all enjoy this.**_

_**I own nothing.**_

* * *

**Rule 27-No more playing strip poker!**

Having just finished his shift, Spock was on his way to the officer's recreation area.

He knew that Jim, Mr Scott and Mr Sulu were already there and he was intending to see if Jim would wish to join him in a game of chess. Arriving, he was met with a most intriguing sight.

The three of them and Mr Hendorff were all sitting around a table playing cards. They were also all undressed to varying degrees. Noticing him, Jim's mouth dropped open. "Um…Hi Spock."

Whipping round the other three showed different forms of surprise and in the silence that followed Spock said only one thing.

"Fascinating."

* * *

A couple of days later Nyota went down to the area after her shift.

She was hoping to unwind with a good book in peace and quiet but it was fated to never happen. She entered the room and was met with something she didn't want to see.

Jim, Hikaru, Scotty and Hendorff were round their usual table in pretty much nothing but their boxers.

"WHAT do you four think you are doing!?"

Jumping in surprise, they all faced her looking exceptionally guilty. It was Scotty who answered. "We were just having a wee game of strip poker."

Striding over she loomed over them and they visibly cowered. She spoke, her voice low and menacing, "You're playing strip poker?"

Shrinking back even further from her Scotty replied. "Aye."

She exploded. "WHAT POSSESSED YOU TO THINK THAT IT WAS REMOTELY ACCEPTABLE? GET YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON RIGHT NOW. **ALL **OF YOU!"

Quickly throwing their clothes on again, they stood like a bunch of scolded children as Nyota furiously lectured them on inappropriate behaviour and setting a good example to others.

She continued for another hour.

* * *

A week after that they still hadn't learned and Bones caught them.

He'd heard about it from Nyota and had assumed her anger would have been enough to stop them. He discovered he was wrong.

He was on a rare break and Pavel had convinced him to play some sort of game the kid had on his PADD. Agreeing to meet in the recreation area, Pavel went to get something he needed while Bones went ahead. He arrived and stopped dead in the doorway as he beheld the scene before him. The same four were blatantly playing strip poker but they had obviously been at it for a while since Jim was actually naked and Hikaru was close to being so. They did excellent impressions of startled rabbits as they saw Bones standing in the doorway. Hearing Pavel come up behind him, McCoy swiftly covered the boy's eyes before he saw anything. The kid yelped in surprise. "Doctor, vat are you doing?"

"Sorry kid but this is definitely not for your eyes."

"Vat isn't?"

"Trust me. You don't wanna know. Let's go to the Mess Hall instead."

Still covering the boy's eyes he pushed Pavel out the door and yelled back at the guilty four. "You lot better get yourselves sorted out right now!"

It didn't take long for Rule 27 to appear after that. They also came up with some interesting avoidance techniques when Pavel asked what strip poker was.

* * *

_**PS-So there was Rule 27 for you. I'll try and update again soon so watch this space. If you haven't read Father To Son please do and let me know what you thought, I know it's a shameless plug but hey. It's my story. **_


	17. Rule 25

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Good morrow to you all. Here is Rule 25 for you and I think I'll do Rule 17 next.**_

_**For those who are asking for Rule 40, I'll do that one last so it'll be a while before it appears. Thank you for your continued support and I hope you enjoy. For those who have noticed the similarities between freddyburn's story 'rules' and this one, I have seen it and I've sent a PM to him in case it is an accidental copy so we shall see what happens.  
**_

_**I own nothing.**_

* * *

**Rule 25-Do not touch Lieutenant Sulu's plants.**

It was no secret that Hikaru loved botany.

He had a whole section of one the botany labs dedicated to his plants and it was not uncommon to find him there when he was off duty. He was however exceptionally protective of them. So much so that would think that the plants were his children and you did not touch his plants **ever**. Jim found this out the hard way.

Jim was looking for Hikaru to see if he wanted to join in with a card game. He headed down to the botany lab to see if he was there. Upon arriving he found that Hikaru was nowhere in sight and taking the chance Jim started to have a look around. His attention was caught by one particular plant. It was about a foot tall and was very leafy with a crown of flowers on top. The flowers were what had attracted him as they were shiny gold. One thing Jim had never been able to learn was the ability to ignore anything shiny and these flowers were practically screaming at him. Unable to stop himself he reached out and touched one of the flowers. He put two of his fingers around where it was connected to the stem and admired its colouring.

Then it broke off from the plant.

Jim frantically looked around to find somewhere to hide the evidence and saw Hikaru standing just five feet away from him wearing a murderous expression. Panicking, Jim stuttered out an apology. "Hikaru I'm sorry it…it…just happened."

The Asian's reply was to get out his retractable fencing sword. Seeing that Hikaru wouldn't be reasoned with, Jim ran for it.

With Hikaru in hot pursuit, Jim sprinted through his ship to get to the only person that could protect him from the wrath of the ninja, samurai pilot.

* * *

Bones peaceful day was destroyed by the arrival of Jim.

The kid burst into the Medbay yelling. "BONES, SAVE ME!"

Jim sprinted towards him and hid behind his back as Hikaru charged in waving his sword and furiously shouting something unintelligible. The pilot spotted Jim and began to head in McCoy's direction. Bones bellowed.

"HIKARU, STOP RIGHT THERE!"

The younger man stopped instantly but still looked murderous. Using the deathly hush that had fallen over the entire Medbay, McCoy spoke in a more reasonable but still commanding tone. "Now, what is going on?"

Hikaru spoke first. "Jim pulled one of the flowers off Tabitha."

Jim protested from his position behind the doctor. "I didn't mean to, I just wanted to touch it."

McCoy looked up as if requesting the help of a higher being as Hikaru began to argue. "You still pulled it off and you didn't ask if you could touch her."

Still hiding behind Bones, Jim argued back. "I wasn't planning on pulling that flower off, besides you let Pavel touch them."

"That's because Pavel knows that they are delicate and should be treated with care."

"Well that still isn't fair."

"How would you like it if I randomly pulled bits off your ship?"

"Then you'd get Scotty angry with you and he'd be on my side."

"No he wouldn't."

"Yeah he would."

"Wouldn't."

"Would."

"Wouldn…"

"CHILDREN!"

They both jumped at McCoy's yell and stopped their argument. Bones pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Both of you **stop fighting**. Jim, you shouldn't be touching things without permission and Hikaru you shouldn't be chasing people through the ship with a sword. Now, both of you apologise to each other."

Looking suitably cowed they did as ordered.

"I'm sorry Hikaru."

"I'm sorry Jim."

Satisfied, Bones spoke again. "Now you two get back to whatever you were doing and I never want anything like this to happen again. Understand."

Giving affirmative nods, they both fled the Medbay. When they had gone, McCoy noticed the entire Medbay staring.

"What are you all staring at? Get back to work dammit!"

As everyone hurriedly resumed working Bones closed his eyes and sighed. There were days when he felt more like the Command Crew's mother instead of their doctor.

To prevent a repeat of the incident, Rule 25 was added.

* * *

_**PS-So there you are and Rule 17 is next.**_


	18. Rule 17

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Greetings all. I present to you Rule 17 and I hope you'll all enjoy it. Those of you who have asked for Rule 10 it is up next so be ready for it. Thank you for all your support and away we go.**_

_**Still don't own anything.**_

* * *

**Rule 17-Do not get Ensign Chekov on a sugar high EVER!**

Chaos reigned throughout the ship.

Jim had received all the reports from around the ship about the crazy things that were happening and was amazed that the one who caused them was Pavel Chekov. It seemed that two idiot ensigns thought it would be funny to get the kid on a sugar high and this was the result.

In the short time Pavel had been in this state he had reprogrammed most of the stations to only be accessible if you said nine-five-wiktor-wiktor-two in a Russian accent, made several corridors have their lights flash like disco lights, got the replicators in the mess hall to flood it with candyfloss, had the fire extinguishers in one of the recreation rooms spew out purple bubbles, caused the 'it's not really there' distillery to produce florescent yellow smoke and somehow got the ship's central computer to insult everybody who addressed it.

Basically the boy had managed to effectively grind the entire ship to a halt.

When he heard about it all, Jim immediately got as many people as possible to try and catch the kid and he was eventually informed that he was in Engineering but there was a problem. Hurrying down, he soon found out what the problem was.

Pavel was sitting on a metal beam high above the floor bouncing up and down quite happily.

Quelling his panic at seeing the boy in such a precarious position, Jim hurried over to Scotty who was worriedly hopping on the spot beneath Pavel surrounded by several crewmembers. The Scotsman turned as Jim approached. "Captain, we cannae get him down!"

"How did he get up there?"

"We don't know."

Jim frantically tried to come up with a solution but was distracted when Pavel called down, "Hi Papa."

He looked up to see the boy cheerfully waving at him. "Pavel, what are you doing up there?"

Seemingly not noticing the worry in Jim's voice the kid answered happily, "You can see ze whole of Engineering from up here."

"Don't you realise how dangerous that is?"

There was a pause before Pavel answered apologetically, "I'm sorry Papa. I'll come down."

Then Jim, Scotty and the rest of the crewmembers present gave a shout or scream of alarm as Pavel threw himself off the beam. There was a harness around the boy's waist which stopped his fall about six feet from the floor; he gave a huge smile as he dangled there. "I'm down Papa."

Trying to slow his pounding heart and regaining control of his panicked breathing Jim launched into his row, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!? You've taken years off my life doing that!"

"But Papa…"

"No buts Pavel, Scotty is going to escort you to your quarters and you will stay there until I come and speak to you, **Understand**!?"

Knowing he was in huge trouble Pavel replied meekly, "Da Papa."

Having just calmed down, Scotty removed the boy from the harness and, grabbing his upper arm, led Pavel away.

Half an hour later, after making the two ensigns who started the whole thing fix everything, Jim went and gave Pavel a very serious and very long lecture. Pavel received several more lectures from the rest of the Command Crew afterwards and was absolutely banned from having anything with high sugar levels without permission from one of the Command Crew.

Rule 17 was added and no-one dared to even consider breaking it.

* * *

_**PS-I'm thinking about doing a fic where Pavel gets ill, what do you guys think?"**_


	19. Rule 10

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hello all. I said I would do Rule 10 and I have delivered. I am working on a sick Pavel fic so that should hopefully be up soon. Thank you for all your support and I hope this chapter is up to expectations.**_

_**I own nothing, nothing I tell you.**_

* * *

**Rule 10-Doctor McCoy and **_**only **_**Doctor McCoy can give the Captain medication.**

This was an early unwritten rule but one event sparked its appearance on the list.

Jim had contracted an illness that he'd had before and while not life threatening it was extremely unpleasant. Thankfully it was one that could be easily cured and knowing there was no way he could convince anyone including himself that he was fine he headed for the Medbay. It shouldn't have been a problem, one quick hypo and he'd be good, but things did not go the way they were meant to.

For starters Bones was nowhere in sight when he got there which was exceptionally unusual. A young doctor saw Jim standing in the doorway looking around for McCoy and took in his appearance. Seeing that he was blatantly unwell and leaning on the door for support the doctor hurried over and began scanning him. Noting his approach, Jim managed to ask. "Where's Bones?"

"Doctor McCoy had to go and attended to a situation in one of the labs Captain."

"Oh, ok. Do you think you can do something about my illness?"

There was a small voice in Jim's head that was telling him that being seen to by a doctor that didn't know all his allergies was a bad idea but he ignored it.

"Of course Captain. If you could just sit here."

He then realised that the doctor had finished his scan and had led him over to a nearby bed. As Jim sat down the junior doctor went and got a hypo, loading it with the suitable medicine he came back. "Once injected the medicine will take a short time to take affect, after which you should be completely fine within about ten minutes. This may sting Captain."

There was a sharp pain in the back of his neck as the doctor hypoed him and he waited for it to take effect. Jim very quickly felt the effects but something was wrong, his skin was suddenly really itchy and his head felt really sore. When the itch reached his hands he looked down and saw a bright purple rash spreading across his skin. He then had enough time to turn his head to the side before he threw up over the bed.

Bones was gonna freak.

* * *

Arriving back from the labs, the last thing Bones wanted to see was Jim having a major allergic reaction as a junior doctor dithered near him. Shooting over to his friend's side McCoy worked out what Jim had been given at a glance. Shoving the young doctor out the way, he seized a hypo and frantically mixed the correct chemicals. Loading the hypo he quickly pressed it to Jim's neck and injected him. A couple of minutes later all symptoms of the reaction had almost faded and with the crises averted Bones rounded on the doctor. "What the hell were you thinking!?" Not letting the man reply he continued, "Do you know how many allergies he has? You could've damn well killed him and then what would we have done? Next time you check if a patient has any allergies before you hypo them and if Jim comes in with something and I'm not around, unless he is gonna to die in the next thirty seconds then you contact me and give him nothing till I arrive. GOT THAT?"

Too scared to speak the doctor just nodded.

"Good, now go and find something to clean up here."

Terrified, the young man hurried away. McCoy looked back at Jim to see him looking back to normal and making to stand up.

"Where the hell do you think your going?"

The kid grinned at him, "To the bridge Bones, I feel completely fine now."

He grabbed Jim by the arm and dragged him to a cleaner bed. "No your not, you'll stay here till I'm certain you're completely fine."

"But Bones…"

"Dammit Jim, you're not going anywhere till I say so now sit on the bed before I inject you with a sedative."

"You sure that's a good idea after what just happened?"

"Just sit down and shut up!"

After this Rule 10 was placed on the list.

* * *

_**PS-So there we go, which rule do you guys think I should do next?**_


	20. Rule 7

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hello everyone. I asked and you answered so I've gone with Rule 7 which seemed the most popular. My sick Pavel fic 'Care' is up so please check that out if you haven't and Thank you to everyone who has already.**_

_**I feel I shouldn't need to say this but I will anyway, I own nothing.**_

* * *

**Rule 7-There is no illegal distillery in Engineering.**

It was the first time Pavel was in Engineering when he discovered it.

Scotty was showing him the different parts of the warp core when he first noticed it in a secluded corner. Scotty was called away briefly and curious Pavel decided to investigate it and was surprised at what he found. It was unmistakeably a distillery but he had no idea what it was doing there. Thinking it best to ask Mr Scott about it when he came back he returned to where Scotty had left him and waited for the man to return, shortly afterwards he did.

"Right then laddie, shall we carry on?"

Deciding now was a good a time as any Pavel spoke. "Mr Scott, vhy is zere a distillery in zat corner?"

"There's no distillery there laddie."

"I just saw eet sor."

"You must have been mistaken, there's no distillery here. Regulations dinnae allow it."

"But sor eet's…"

"Now this wee section here helps with…"

Realising that for some reason Scotty was avoiding the topic Pavel let it be but he was going to find out why it was there.

* * *

Later he had finished in Engineering and none of the engineers had given him any more information on the distillery so he decided to try elsewhere. He was in the Mess Hall and Jim joined him at his table.

"How was Engineering kid?"

"Fine Keptain but there vas somesing wery strange."

Jim frowned, "What?"

"Ven Mr Scott showed me the varp core I noticed a distillery down zere but vhen I mentioned eet he said I vas mistaken."

"I'm not surprised; there isn't any distillery down there."

"Vat?"

"You most likely just saw another part of the core and mistook for a distillery."

"But I saw eet."

"Trust me Pavel, there is no distillery in Engineering." He got up and grinned at Pavel. "See ya."

He walked off leaving a very confused teenager.

* * *

Pavel continued to try and get an answer about the distillery but everyone he asked said he was mistaken. Every time he tried to investigate it himself someone always managed to stop him and by the end of it he was very confused as to why no-one would accept that it existed. Eventually after three weeks of him attempting to get to the bottom of the situation Rule 7 appeared on the list. Knowing that he was beaten Pavel gave up.

He still didn't understand why everyone said it wasn't there.

* * *

_**PS-I think I'll do Rule 6 next so watch this space.**_


	21. Rule 6

_**Author's note:**_

_**Good morrow all. Firstly just to let everyone know that freddyburn's fic 'Rules' was not a intentional copy of this story, he has since changed aspects of that story to make it different so it is now all sorted. Now after that here is Rule 6 and some people have been asking for stories to rules I've already done so please check before asking. Thank you all who have been supporting this story and please enjoy.**_

_**I do not own anything to do with Star Trek or whatever else I reference in this story.**_

* * *

**Rule 6-Puppy dog eyes are not 'standard Starfleet negotiation techniques'.**

Things did not look good.

They were on a simple away mission and as per usual it had got a heck of a lot more complicated and dangerous than it should have. Currently Jim, Hendorff, Spock and Chekov were being held captive by a dangerous group of inter-planetary criminals who were using an uninhabited Class M planet as a hideout.

The criminals were trying to come to an arrangement with the _Enterprise; _they would exchange their captives in return for some Starfleet equipment. They had been negotiating with Nyota, who had been left in charge, for quite some time and were making little progress. Jim himself was trying to come up with a solution but although him, Spock and Hendorff were free to move about, they had several weapons trained on them constantly and Pavel was being tightly held by one of the criminals with a phaser held to his temple meaning that he had to come up with something exceptionally clever.

"You should take our offer or they'll all die."

It seemed that the leader was losing his patience and would soon make good on his threats.

"But we do not have what you are asking for aboard. It is not possible to give you the equipment you want." Nyota responded.

"Give me what I want or I'll kill the boy slowly and painfully in front of you."

"We don't have it, but we can exchange other technology." Though still appearing calm, Jim could hear the slight pleading tone in Nyota's voice.

Apparently the leader's patience was finished and he marched over to Pavel and snarled, "Then watch this boy die!"

"NO!" The three men in the room and Nyota on the screen all cried out at once as the man grabbed Pavel's throat.

"Then give me what I want."

Jim could see the desperation on Nyota's face, they didn't have what this man wanted and they both knew it. If he made a move he'd be dead in seconds and Pavel would join him soon after but they had to do something.

The leader made to tighten his grip on the boy's throat when Pavel suddenly called out. "Vait!"

The man faltered and Pavel took the chance and began to quickly talk. "Ve don't have vat you vant but zere ees somesing better on ze ship."

"What?" The man still had a hold of the boy's throat.

"Some wery special dewices. Zey are capable of opening any lock and bypassing any protection softvare on any computer system in ze entire federation."

The man looked excited at the prospect but was suspicious. "This could be a lie. There is no way such tech could exist."

Pavel looked terrified as he answered, "Eet's true. I helped Mr Scott our CEO to create ze dewices. Zey really do vork and zere ees eight of zem onboard ze _Enterprise _vich are all operational, ze Keptain can confirm eet."

All of this was news to Jim but he went with Pavel and quickly agreed. "He's right, I've seen them for myself and they all work perfectly. They were kept strictly confidential from the rest of the crew so Lieutenant Uhura did not know about them."

The leader looked ready to jump for joy at the idea of having such amazing tech and released his grip on Pavel's throat. "Very well then, we can trade them for two of you."

Pavel appealed to him, "Zey are wery special dewices. Just one of zem vould be vorth all four of us but ve can give you eight."

"I'll decide the conditions boy." The man growled at him.

Pavel still pressed "Us four for ze eight dewices ees a good deal, you vill be getting two dewices for one person. Hundreds of people vould give anysing for just one."

The man raised his hand most likely to strike the boy but faltered. Jim caught Pavel's expression and was amazed at what he saw.

Pavel was giving the man puppy eyes.

There was a tense moment when the leader stared at Pavel with his hand raised as the boy continued to give him the cutest puppy eyes Jim had ever seen. Then the man lowered his hand and spoke.

"The eight devices for the four of them."

* * *

From there the exchange went smoothly and eventually the four of them were back on the _Enterprise _getting a check-up from Bones in the Medbay. The criminals had long since escaped and Jim knew he would have to report to Starfleet soon but there was something he needed to know first. Looking at Pavel he spoke, "Pavel, I know that we haven't been making any super unlocking devices so where did you get that idea from?"

The boy grinned, "Me and Scotty have been vatching an old show called Doctor Who. I got ze idea from ze Doctor's sonic screwdiwer."

Shaking his head in amazement Jim then asked another question, "And when you were trying to convince that criminal to take the offer, did you actually give him the puppy eyes?"

"I vas just employing standard Starfleet negotiation techniques."

"Pavel, puppy eyes are not 'standard Starfleet negotiation techniques'."

When Pavel tried the puppy eyes a second time on a diplomatic mission Jim added Rule 6. Pavel still complains about it.

* * *

_**PS-There we go and please review and let me know what you think.**_


	22. Rule 21

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Greetings all and sundry. Here is Rule 21 for you all and I hope you enjoy it. I was thinking about starting another fic and I was wondering what you guys would like me to do next, please give me your suggestions and I'll see what I can do (I do have a couple of ideas but I was wondering what you guys would like). Thank you for all your support.**_

_**I only own Star Trek in my dreams (or a parallel universe).**_

* * *

**Rule 21-Do not make rude comments about Doctor McCoy's homemade apple pie.**

The Command Crew always liked it when Bones cooked.

It was a mystery as to where he learnt to cook so well as he never told anyone but they were grateful for his skill. Every week they would gather for a properly cooked dinner instead of meals from replicators or a basic mass cooked meal. Most times this happened it was Bones who cooked but occasionally someone like Nyota or Jim would do it instead.

One week Bones had actually had a quiet day in the Medbay so he had been able to spend time making an apple pie from scratch for the Command Crew. He was going to serve it as dessert for dinner that night and when they heard about it the rest of them couldn't wait to try it. When their shifts were over that day they all headed to a small dining room complete with kitchen which they always used.

Bones was still cooking when they got there so Nyota went to give him a hand in the kitchen while Hikaru and Pavel were dispatched to lay the table. Jim and Scotty made nuisances of themselves in the kitchen by stealing McCoy's implements and hiding them when he wasn't looking. They also kept turning on random appliances behind his back and tickling Nyota at inopportune moments until Bones chased them out with a frying pan. They then engaged Hikaru and Pavel in a tag team wrestling match with Jim and Pavel in one team and Scotty and Hikaru in the other while Spock observed. It deteriorated into an all on all melee and when Nyota walked in to announce that dinner was ready she was met with the sight of the four of them in a pile on the floor with Pavel somehow triumphantly sitting on top.

Managing to hide her amusement she spoke commandingly, "Dinner is ready to be served so if you could all kindly untangle yourselves from the pile and sit up at the table please."

Pavel shot off the pile and grabbed his favourite seat in the middle of the table's right hand side. Extracting themselves from the pile Scotty sat on Pavel's left and Hikaru sat across from Scotty. Jim, who had been at the bottom of the pile, took the seat on Pavel's right and Spock sat across from him. They all, except Spock, bounced in their seats impatiently as Nyota and Bones served the meal and then took their seats, Nyota next to Spock and Bones at the head of the table with Jim and Spock either side of him. As soon as they were seated the meal began in earnest and there was little conversation at first as most of them applied themselves to the food. When they eventually spoke it was to praise the food and McCoy took all the compliments modestly.

Then the moment arrived for the apple pie.

It came still steaming from the oven and there was anticipation in the air as it was placed on the table. It was very brown but had not burned but Jim took the opportunity to make a joke.

"Wow Bones, did you cook it or incinerate it in the warp drive?"

His only response was a glare from McCoy who then upturned the whole pie on to Jim's head.

There was silence as Jim sat there with pie making its way down his face until Pavel crossed his arms and pouted.

"I vas looking forward to eating zat."

Rule 21 was up by the next day but Pavel still sulked about not getting his apple pie until Bones made him another one.

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_**PS-Thank you for reading and please review.**_


	23. Rule 20

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hello all. Here is Rule 20 for you all and thank you for your continued support. I'm working on another Jim/Pavel story but I don't know when it'll be up so keep an eye out. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**_

_**I own nothing.**_

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**Rule 20-No Phaser Tag!**

Pavel was currently crouched behind some crates in Engineering.

He could see Jim also crouched behind the next pile and scanning the area. He was facing away from Pavel and he took his chance. Lining up his shot he took careful aim and fired. He had a direct hit in the centre of Jim's back and the man jumped as he was hit and spun round in time to see Pavel leg it into the next section.

They were off duty and he, Jim, Hikaru and Scotty were bored and had decided to play phaser tag. Scotty had modified their phasers so that when they hit the target got what felt like a minor electric shock. It was harmless and they restricted the combat area to Engineering, those on duty just pretended they weren't there, and the game began. Pavel had used his smaller size and build to his advantage and, utilising the smaller spaces the others couldn't, adopted stealth tactics. This meant he had avoided being hit by anyone else and had got several good hits on the others.

Seeing a suitable space Pavel dived into it and hid before Jim saw, he heard the other man charge past and he waited for the area to clear before emerging. He cautiously made his way through Engineering keeping himself hidden and came to an area with several crate piles in it. The other three were all there hiding behind different piles waiting for the moment to get one of the others without exposing themselves. Seeing a perfect opportunity Pavel began to sneak around the edge of the area to a suitable point to begin his triple kill attempt. It took a while but the others were being cautious as well and they were locked in a stand-off. Reaching position Pavel ran through his plan in his head, he would get Scotty who was closest first and quickly get Jim next. He was relying on Hikaru breaking his cover in response to the attack to get him as Pavel didn't have a clear shot at him. His plan sorted Pavel snapped into action.

It was almost perfect. He shot Scotty no problem and sprinting for his escape route he got also got Jim easily. Hikaru broke cover as Pavel predicted and he fired to claim the triple kill but the shot just missed its target and then hit something Pavel really didn't want to hit.

It hit Spock.

The ship's first officer had been coming up unnoticed behind Hikaru to see what was going on and got the full brunt of Pavel's shot in his chest. There was a deathly hush as Spock jerked at impact then quickly composed himself and gazed directly at Pavel.

"May I inquire as to what you are doing Mr Chekov?"

Pavel gaped for a minute then quickly snapped to attention and stuttered out a reply, "Ve vere just…erm…playing…er…engaging in…just erm…Eet vas the Keptain's idea."

Spock turned his gaze to Jim who glared at Pavel before speaking, "We were just engaging in vital combat training Spock."

The others quickly agreed.

"Aye just training."

"It was Commander."

"Just wital combat training sor."

Spock merely raised an eyebrow and stared at their guilty faces until Pavel couldn't take it anymore and blurted out, "Ve vere off duty sor and ze Keptain came up vith ze idea for phaser tag, so Mr Scott modified some of ze phaser to make zem safe and I tried to hit Hikaru and hit you instead sor, I'm sorry."

Knowing he had the truthful answer Spock replied, "Apology accepted Mr Chekov. You, Mr Sulu and Mr Scott should make your way to the Medbay and inform Doctor McCoy of what you have been doing. No doubt he would wish to check that there is no damage to you from your recreational activity. I must speak with the Captain privately about this event."

Knowing there was no way out of it they quickly made their way from Engineering. As soon as they were out of earshot Hikaru and Scotty rounded on Pavel.

"Why did you tell him Pavel."

"Aye, we could've convinced him laddie."

"I'm sorry, he just looked at me like zat and I couldn't help eet."

Hikaru sighed, "We're going to have to go the Medbay and tell McCoy. No doubt Spock will check that we did."

Scotty grimaced, "Aye laddie, the doctor is going tae get the whole story and we cannae do anything about it."

Pavel gulped, "Ve're doomed."

Rule 20 was up by their next shift and after the lecture he gave them McCoy would keep randomly checking that they weren't up to what he called 'idiotic hijinks' for a long time.

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_**PS-So there you go please review and see you soon.**_


	24. Rule 31

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Greetings good people. This is the Rule 31 chapter and I've put all of it in the point of view of an OC. I was wondering if you guys wanted me to do a fic about the conversation between Jim and Pavel I mentioned in 'Father To Son' or a de-aged Pavel fic. Please let me know which one you guys would like.**_

_**Nothing I own.**_

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**Rule 31-Mr Scott is not allowed to cook.**

Nurse Samuels was having a very hard time

She had replaced Christine Chapel as Doctor McCoy's head nurse when she transferred. This meant that she often had to deal with the Command Crew in the Medbay. One or two of them ill or injured was manageable; unfortunately she currently had to deal with all of them being ill at once.

It seemed they all had severe food poisoning from eating a meal Scotty had cooked the night before and it had taken a while to get all of them to the Medbay. Nyota and Spock had commed them and were easily transferred, Hikaru had also commed but only after he had attempted to start his day and ended up vomiting instead, McCoy had managed to get himself down to Medbay and was going to treat himself but Samuels intervened. She then realised what the problem was and dispatched several crewmembers to fetch the others. Scotty wasn't quite alert yet so they could just grab him before he made an escape. Pavel was harder as he really didn't want to go, despite knowing he was ill, and it took quite a bit of persuasion and a bit of bribery from Samuels to convince him to unlock his quarters and go. Jim was the hardest as he had already escaped and hidden and it took a several security officers, a lot of assistance over the comm from McCoy and Spock and a hypo to actually find and get him to the Medbay.

It didn't get any less difficult when there were all there. Jim had several allergies and a weak immune system so she had to be careful with what medication she gave him and keep a watch on him in case he caught something else. He also kept making escape attempts or tried to check on the rest of them. Pavel also had a weak immune system so he needed a careful watch as well but at least he had no allergies to worry about. Unfortunately he was sulking about being kept in the Medbay and complaining that he was bored. Scotty just argued that he was absolutely fine and several times Samuels had to talk him down to stop him from trying to return to duty. McCoy kept trying to tend to the others and was checking every little thing she was doing. Hikaru was largely well behaved; he just kept asking how the others were every five minutes. Nyota and Spock were easy to handle, Nyota just needed to be told that the others were fine and she was satisfied and Spock just wanted to know how long he would be off duty for and who was currently taking care of the ship.

In the end she had to play the 'stay and look after Pavel' card to stop Jim's escape attempts. She then just hypoed McCoy with a sedative to stop him from trying to tend to the rest of them. After this Scotty stopped arguing under threat of hypo and Hikaru, Nyota and Spock behaved perfectly. Pavel was still a problem until Samuels let him have his PADD, after which he was completely happy. With all of them settled and unlikely to cause any trouble any time soon she retreated to a smaller room nearby to have a sit down with a nice cup of tea.

In the time she had served aboard the _Enterprise _she had been impressed, confused and exasperated by the Command Crew, sometimes all at once. Off duty they were a completely crazy family with McCoy, Nyota and Spock being the largely rational 'adults'. Hikaru was the 'younger brother' who got continually led astray by the troublemaking 'uncle' Scotty and 'big brother' Jim. Jim was also the father figure to Pavel who was the little brother/nephew/son/protégé to the rest of them. On duty they combined this with professionalism and devotion to duty and became the best crew in the entire Federation. They could save the universe before bed and still find time to prank someone and make some sort of significant scientific breakthrough with an added joke.

She was broken out of her thoughts by the arrival of a slightly haggard looking nurse.

"Nurse Samuels, I think you should come back to the Medbay. A slight situation has occurred."

"What are they doing?"

"I think it would be better if you saw for yourself."

Dreading what she would find Samuels got up and headed for the Medbay. She entered a war zone.

It seemed Pavel had got bored with his PADD and had asked for several sheets of paper. He then scrunched each one up and began throwing them at the others, Hikaru retaliated and soon Jim and Scotty joined in. They somehow got even more paper and a full on battle had started without them leaving their beds. McCoy was still oblivious to the world due to the sedative and Spock and Nyota had just ducked their heads to keep out the line of fire. Samuels could not work out how four people with severe food poisoning were capable of starting a paper ball battle.

"ENOUGH!"

Her voice rang out through the Medbay and the battle ceased. She took a deep breath before speaking again, "You will stop this nonsense and try and get some sleep. You are all ill and this sort of behaviour will only make it worse. If any of you act up again I will give **all** of you a sedative. Do you understand?"

There was a silence as the four looked at each other.

"I said, **do you understand?**"

Hearing the tone of her voice they quickly responded. "Yes Nurse Samuels."

She was now wondering if giving them crayons and paper would stop them from wrecking the Medbay before they got better.

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In the end it took a week for all of them to recover. A long week filled with moans, escape attempts, acts of idiocy, annoying Spock, arguing, distracting the nurses, Pavel's puppy eyes and a bizarre event involving chickens, replicators, Hikaru's sword and a coconut. All in all it was a week of dealing with what was effectively a bunch of genius level children who loved causing chaos. Samuels was very stressed and fatigued and needed another week to properly recover.

Rule 31 was added when they had all recovered as it was Scotty's cooking who had started the whole thing in the first place.

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_**PS-I hope you guys enjoyed that, I took the opportunity to do a sort of study of the crew from an outsider's point of view which I hoped you liked. Please review and let me know your fic preference. **_


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